A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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