smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
