do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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