I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
