Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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