I met the friendliest cop last night
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
