So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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