i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
