I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
