that's an acceptable place to lick
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize