Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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