I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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