Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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