There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
