Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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