There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
