He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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