Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
