My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
