but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
