dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Randomize
