Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
