And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
