Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
