So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
A+ Viking dick
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
