The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
