Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
our cab driver is having phone sex.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
