Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
