p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
