Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
