You're so nebulous sometimes
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
