my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize