I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
