I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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