You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
