I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
