moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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