we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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