You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So apparently I’m into choking now
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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