It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
