Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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