My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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