her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
