I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
