Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
