Your tits are I can't wait for
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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