In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
