the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
