last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
