you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
