you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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