now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
