I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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