My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
