I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Randomize
