she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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