I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
