btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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