I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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