Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
