Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
