so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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