i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
