My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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