Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
